Few days ago I had a chat with a friend of mine. For once more I realized how many women are dealing with family issues. Of course, most of them had and have issues with their in-laws. And I wonder… Is it a coincidence?
How many aspects this issue has! We are born into an already existing family. Our parents grow us up and, in normal situations, give us all their love and affection. At this point of view, family is a hug, a kiss, a caress, a hint, a beautiful memory, with its fluctuations of course, just like any human relationship.
Then we grow up and build our own family. A lot is changing here. Now we are the parents who set the rules of the game. We have the responsibility of our children. We decide how we will raise them, what bases we will give them, their ethics and values. The latter will shape them on their own growing up.
Modern living conditions
The mom of the family with children needs to work, have the house clean, a plate of food on the table, wash and iron. Of course, he has to read the children and play with them. Here we, the Manades, become very cautious and want to have our independence. Not only as mothers, but even as housewives. Many times we get to the point of becoming, perhaps a little (or very) egocentric. Unfair;;; The truth is that it is very ugly to have third parties point out to you what needs to be done and in what way. As if there is only one way to get things done… Somehow this is how I approach my wife and mother.
On the other hand, dads are the ones who should give the corresponding correct paternal model. Like mom, dad, the modern dad, needs to understand that the house is not clean on its own. The food was not cooked on its own, the children often did not read the lessons completely on their own. And of course, children can not always play alone. For the simple reason that the house gets dirty because he himself got dirty. His clothes got dirty because he got them dirty. But he also needs food because he also needs to be fed.
Not to mention their relationship with third parties and in this case with the family in which they were born. We as human beings do not accept to realize how toxic our relationships are sometimes made by others. Usually due to some actions, expressions or phrases from our in-laws. In this we need first the understanding of our spouses and then their activation.
We ask them to speak. We do not need, nor do we ask, to fight with their parents, but we ask for an effective intervention. It is not bad for example to say “mom, dad we do not want our child to eat sweets every day, please respect it”. Or even “Mom, Dad please do not speak badly to my wife, please accept that she is my wife, my choice”. This approach is advisory to spouses. They may need to have a glimpse of how they can handle difficult situations.
The next stage is the stage of mother-in-law and father-in-law… Now their shoots have grown, they have become independent and have their own home and family. The most basic thing we need to understand as in-laws is that our way is not always the right way, because everything is constantly evolving and changing. Also our way may not be the only way…!
In the case of our daughter, we clearly give her some extra tips on how to manage her own situations. But we should not demand that he apply them literally, or even apply them … Yes, we love our groom who takes care of our little girl. Be careful, however, not to become invasive. Every house has problems, our role now is to help as much as we can. Of course to balance difficult situations. We try to help and not create additional problems.
In the case of our son, of course, unfortunately things are changing, maybe the oedipal complex is also to blame. We want our son to be a master, not to help at home because he is tired from work, not to help set the table for eating because “it’s a woman’s job”, to sit on the couch to watch TV or work on the computer or the tablet to rest while he could read to his children or play with them. Because the game is a help for mom, but also a pleasant pastime for the whole family.
What to understand when we become mothers-in-law
It is necessary to understand that our son now has his own family, and therefore his own wife. Our son’s wife is not our enemy, she is our continuation, she is the one we hand over the scepter to take care of our son. And yes, of course our son must have been nurtured knowing that in a house they need to help each other, so he himself participates in what a house needs.
In the end, our son is the one who made his choices and he will have to live with them, whatever they are. All we have to do is support not only our son, but the whole family he created. To support his own choices. If we think something is wrong, either do not talk or talk about how things can be done better. So yes, our son will be involved at home. And he will cook and clean the house and iron and read to the children.
And for the end I chose to leave the children. The breakwaters of any situations. I think no sane person wants children to be hurt. However, many times our actions have an impact on them. Whether we are parents, or grandparents, or uncles and aunts. It will be good for us to reflect more on our actions and words. To focus on protecting them, on the ways we can provide them with a safer and more secure family environment.
It is necessary to maintain the balance between the relationships of people and their families. And we must all contribute to this, regardless of the position of the family.
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