Few days ago I had a chat with a friend of mine. For once more I realized how many women are dealing with family issues. Of course, most of them had and have issues with their in-laws. And I wonder … Is it a coincidence?
How many aspects this issue has! We are born into an already existing family. Our parents grow us up and, in normal situations, give us all their love and affection. When we approach family from this position, family is a hug, a kiss, a caress, a hint, a beautiful memory, with its fluctuations of course, just like any human relationship.
Then we grow up and make our own family. A lot is changing here. It is up to us as parents to set the rules of the game. It’s our responsibility for our children to decide how to raise them, what bases we shall give them, their morals and values. The latter will shape them by themselves as they grow older. The family mom with kids needs to work, have the house clean, have the dinner ready, wash and iron and of course read and play with the kids. Mothers become very cautious and want to have their independence, not only as mothers, but even as housewives, while they get to maybe (or very) self-centered. Unfair;;; The truth is, it is very bad to have third parties tell you what needs to be done and how. It seems like there is only one way to get things done … This is the wife and mother’s approach.
On the other hand, dads have also to give the right parental model. Like mom, dad, modern dad, needs to understand that the house is not clean by itself, the food is not cooked on its own, the children can’t read their lessons completely on their own, and of course, the children can’t play constantly on their own. For the simple reason that the house is soiled because he soiled himself, his clothes were soiled because he soiled himself, he needed food because he had to eat. Not to mention their relationships with third parties and in this case with the family in which they were born, where we refuse to realize how toxic our relationships sometimes become due to certain actions or expressions or phrases from our forefathers. In this we need your understanding first and then your activism. Talk, you do not need, nor do we ask, to argue with your parents, but we ask for meaningful intervention. It’s not bad for example to say “Mom, Dad we don’t want our child to eat sweets every day, please respect that” or “Mom, Dad please don’t talk badly to my wife, please accept that she is my wife”. This approach is advisory to the spouses to have a small picture of how they can handle difficult situations for them.
The next stage is the parents in law’s stage, where our kids have grown, become independent and have their own home and their own family. The most important thing to understand as a mother-in-law is that our way is either not always the right way, because everything is constantly evolving and changing, or that our way is not the only way! In the case of our daughter, we clearly give her some extra tips on how to handle her own situations, without requiring us to apply them literally, or even to apply them. Yes, we love our groom taking care of our little girl. But be careful not to become invasive. Every home has problems. Our role now is to help as much as we can to balance the difficult situations. We should try to help rather than create additional problems.
In the case of our son, of course, unfortunately things are different, and perhaps the Oedipus complex is to blame. We want our son to be lord, not to help at home because he gets home very tired from work, not to help set up a dining table because it is a woman’s job, just to sit on the couch to watch TV or work on the computer or the tablet to rest, while he could read his children or play with them. Because even playing with the kids is a help for the family. It is necessary to understand that our son now has his own family, and therefore his own wife. Our son’s wife is not our enemy, it is our continuity. She is the one who we should give her the scepter to take care of our son. And yes, of course, our son must have been nourished knowing that house needs each other’s help, so he should be involved in everything a home needs. In the end, it is our son who made his choices and should live with them whatever they are. All we have to do is support not only our son but the whole family he created. Supporting his own choices and if we think something is wrong either not talking or discussing how things can be made better. Yes, so, our son will help at home. He’ll cook, he’ll clean the house, iron and read to the kids.
In the end I chose to leave the children behind. They are the breakwaters of any situation. I think no intelligent person wants to hurt children. However, many times our actions affect them. No matter if we are parents, or grandparents, or uncles and aunts. It is good to reflect more on our actions and words and to focus on protecting them, in ways that we can provide them with a safer and more secure family environment.
It is necessary to maintain the balance between people’s relationships and their families. And we must all contribute to this, no matter our role to the family.
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